I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
