I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
