It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
