how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think my vagina is haunted
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She told me I should be a condom model.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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