The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
