I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
