Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
