You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
