super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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