hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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