sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
