You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
