I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
