come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I would ride that face into the sunset
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
