This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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