Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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