she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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