Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
