I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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