I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just high enough for therapy.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize