mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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