My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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