I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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