Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
