This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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