so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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