His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
