how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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