I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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