ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
