Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize