I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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