i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
