I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
