i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
