There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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