god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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