Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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