I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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