I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Randomize
