What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
