I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
