he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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