Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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