I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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