I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
