what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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