pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
