new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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