Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
