That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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