Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
This is the high leading the old right now
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
