for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
