does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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