I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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