I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
