I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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