Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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