who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
