I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
