my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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