We're facebook friends in real life
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
