I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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