I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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