Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
