Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
