our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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